Disclaimers:
Summary:
Warnings:
Notes:
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by
Oh god. He was in one of the moods. Blair sighed to himself. For a moment he had the same conflict. He could go. He could leave and never come back. Sure he would be giving up his home, his dissertation, and losing the investment of the last 4 years. And it was just once in a wile. It was not going to go on forever. He just needed this to .. well Trust him. To own him. Right. Ever battered woman that did not leave, each abused partner said the same thing.
Even without sentinel senses he could hear the elevator coming. He knew better than to have the radio or TV on when Jim was in this sort of state. Any thing could set him off. SIGH.
Dinner was a stoffers meat loaf. He hated His cooking at times like this, criticizing any thing that he made. This was a step above wonderburger.
He sat on the couch, and opened his book. He did not want to look like he was worried, or panicked that Jim was home. He hoped that his heart had not given him away. His breathing was calm. He was incontrole.
"Oh Hi Jim. How is it going?" He made an effort to be off handed, easy, and comforting. No sharp edges, just Blair, and what comfort he chose to find there. "Dinners is about done. Mash potatoes or rice?"
'Potatoes with that gravy. Smells good. You should cook like this all the time." Jim hung up his coat and put his gun in the kitchen draw.
Blair tried hard not to flinch from the deliberate insult. Jim knew that this was food from a frozen foil pan. He got up and started the instant potatoes. Jim Loved them. He hated them. At least it was quick.
The meal was finished quickly, and Jim settled down onto the couch, Blair lingered over the dishes, cleaning each surface lovingly, sweeping the floor delaying joining his Sentinel on the couch.
;" Enough Chief. Come on over and sit down."
Dreaded words. But Blair knew better thank to delay any longer. He settled down on the side of the couch, pretending to be absorbed in the Jags game. "What is the score?" He asked more out of rote then true interest. It was expected. He knew the score. The one that mattered. He stared at the screen, but watched Jim out of the edge of his vision. What was to come was inevitable, but he wanted to be at least prepared for it, so that he would know not to struggle, to fight agent what he had intellectually accepted as the price to pay for room bord and to be his guide. Dam him, and Dam his mom. It was her fault. If she had not sent his dissertation to Sid, he would have had his Ph.D. by now. He could have left. Not that he wanted to. Not before this had happened, this change. It had been about friendship. Now it was more about ownership.
Jim seemed ingrossed for the moment in the game. Blair Closed his eyed, Head back, Remembering.
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"I need a partner that I can trust!"
Jim had sat on this every couch, arms folded, staring strait ahead. not looking at him. Oh Man. This was just too unfair. one unguarded moment and his mom shattered his life. Wait. Have to be fair. She meant well. Jim was being unforgiving.
He did not know what to do. Jim had not kicked him out. He had sworn that he would not kick him out no matter what after the last time, but this stoic silent unforgiving person, he didn't know if he could live with that. He did not hear any of the words that came from his mouth, Perhaps actions.
Blair dropped to his knees before Jim. He continued to stare ahead. Almost like a zone out. "You have got to believe me. I would never hurt you. I would have found a way to protect you. I love you. "
Still nothing. Oh well. suddenly Jim's hands grasped his face. Kissed him, Deeply, cruel. He with quick movement undid his zipper, and forced Blair's head down to his crotch. It was too much to be believed. He went with it. At that moment any offer of contact, or intimacies was better than none, and if sucking his cock would give Jim the proof that he needed that Blair could be trusted by him, well, it was a small price to pay. He had had on and off though about just such an act, but hand never dared risk it.
The feel of the zipper on his neck and face, the heady musk of his groin, the stiff cock salty taste as it was forced into his semi willing mouth, the hands behind his head, governing the short hard ride on the stiff cock violating his mouth. Blair was almost about to enjoy this, when Jim without warning shot into his mouth, near choking him, hands tangled in his thick curls, pressing him unrelentless into his groin, his thick long cock choking him, drowning in cum, can't breath, can't breath, just like the fountain.. He pulled away and ran to his room. They had never talked about it. He had renounced publicly that his dissertation was a fraud, and Jim and the department had gotten shot up, and Blair had stayed.
It was almost a week before the second time. Just siting on the couch. Jim had been still on rest, his shoulder still in a sling, having been shot at least 3 times in the same shoulder not helping the healing at all. He was in pain. The medicines that he was taking either put him into an almost coma or did not work at all. Blair had been fussing over him, trying to get him to try some tribal cure and ....
"What I need is what you can give me." He had an intent look on his face. It had less to do with love then Blair liked, but he felt Jim's hands on the back of his head, he knew what was wanted, expected. Like a Pavlovian dog at the ringing of a bell, he had dropped to his knees, and accepted the cock that was presented to him, dutifully sucking and accepting as Jim's hands once more forced his head on his member. This time he did not choke as much, and did not run to his room. Jim passed out, and Blair had sat on the couch, shaking, almost crying with rage and grief and guilt and abandonment.
By the time that Jim had woken up, all evidence of the act was cleaned up or hidden. Blair was calmly reading. When Jim lifted his head from the back of the couch, Blair had closed his book, Smiled at his sentinel, and Bade him good night and went to his bed, his room.
And things had gone on more or less the same. Once a week or so he would find himself on his knees rendering service to Jim. It had happened like 5 time now. Each time Jim had passed out, And Blair had managed to avoid the issuer. It was not hard with Cop school as he put it, and the divergent paths that they had most of the time during the day. He had been his Partner a few times, and Meg had gone out with him also, he seemed to be in much better shape.
But now tonight. Jim was casting glances at Blair. Oh dear. It was going to happen. Soon. He debated heading to his room. If he did that would Jim come after him? Would it turn from being a loveless joyless act to being out and out rape if he refused him? he just was not sure. He was not sure if he wanted to take that risk.
Jim stretched out an arm toward him, up along the back of the couch. Behind his head. It was all that he could do not to run screaming from the room.
"Jim, we need to talk."
Jim looked at Blair, scowling slightly. "Later." With his left hand he undid his zipper, freeing his erection. It was a almost frieghting how detached he seemed at the moment, as he cupped Blair's head, slowly and steadily pulling him down to his crouch. Blair tried desperately to meet his eyes, to find some sign that this was not a violation, that there was some caring, some connection. That there was more to this than an overwhelming need, to .... Well, what ever this was it was not love making.
"Jim! Please. You have got to stop. I don't want this, not like this."
Jim was frozen, for just a moment. The hand behind his Guides head tightened, pulling on his hair. Without warning, he yanked his head back, slamming it on the back of the couch.
"How dare you!" Jim shouted at his quaking Guide. His hand remained tangled in his hair, as Jim got up into Blair's face, His anger contorting it in to a mask of someone that he did not know. "You turn me into this.. this... " He paused, Unable to make a name for what he felt, and instead made a sweeping Gesture at the two of them. "It is your fault." He said this calmly. He collected himself, and slowly released his hand from Blair's hair. "You made me need you."
"It's OK man. We can sort this out. I just need to do some ..." He was about to say thinking, when a hand slammed him in the middle of his chest, pining him like a bug to the couch.
"No TESTS! I have had enough of test to last me a life time! There is nothing wrong with me. It's you! Your making me do things, things that I don't want to do. Things that I have never done. Never wanted to do!" He took a deep breath. The anger that was boiling over slowly melted away. Slowly he pulled his hand back, looking now in horror at the fearfully trembling Guide.
"Oh God. I am so sorry. This is wrong. All wrong." Something akin to fear and selfloathing filled his eyes." I don't know what to do any more. I hate what I have become." He looked desperately at his Guide, hoping that he could once more pull a miracle out of his back pocket. "You have got to help me get a handle on this. You have to stop doing what ever it is that is making me do this. I only get this way around you. Why is that? Why?"
"I.. I don't Know Jim. It might be a...." Blair swallowed deeply. He was still shaken, torn by the need to flee, and the vision of his now shattered seeming Sentinel. "Sentinel/Guide thing. Your territory was invaded by the media, you have to stake your territory somehow, I don't know!." He was frustrated. Scared. His heart was beating fast, too fast, and he was on the edge of a panic attack. Dam. Think Blair.
"I need you." Jim's head had dropped to his chest. His hands were fists, clenched, shaking, his whole body was shaking. With a deep ragged sigh, it seemed that all of the air in his body released, and balloon like he slowly collapsed, his hands opening, his entire being sagging in defeat, surrender.
Blair stared, open mouth and wide eyed. Jim had gone from hurtful aggressor to needing sentinel in a handful of heartbeats. His Guide side of him kicked in. His Sentinel NEEDED HIM!
"Jim, Jim, its OK. We can work this all out. It has got to be some sort of Sentinel/Guide thing. Let me help you." Tentative, one hand reaching out to the trembling hand of his sentinel." Is this OK Jim?"
A wordless nod. Blair held the hand gently. For just a few minutes nothing happened. It took Blair just that long to realize that Jim was still exposed, and the cock that had deflated with the rest of him was re awaking, stirring from the nest of boxers and jeans. Blair understood. Words would come later. He shifted his body and Jim's for easy access, and gracefully, lowered his head to his partners need. Just before he took the glands into his mouth, he glanced up at Jim, to see him staring at him from slanted hooded eyes. All signs of the anger, fear, grief and pain were gone. Instead he watch almost with a cold hunger, a greedy need, mixed with a yearning that was the only soft thing about him at the moment. Perhaps it was love. But at this point the only thing that Blair could do was to continue.
With one hand wrapped around the still growing cock, he lapped at the crown, swirling and dancing teasing licking. Knowing just how sensitive that his sentinel skin was else were, he tried something that he had heard of and had even had done to him once. I eyelash kiss. Butterfly like flapping of the eye lid to stroke the sensitive spots of his cock, over the head, under the crown, down the shaft, gifting him with the silken flutter of his long soft lashes, know that this should be an intense of an experience for him, hoping to school him in softer ways of love. Seduce his Sentinel, show him love and sensuality, like no one has ever before. He would prove to him his love, make him love him. Blair blew a warm gust of moist air over the erect penis, and slowly, oh so slowly, turned it to cool. He did this sever times, slowly milking the shaft, wanting to give his wounded Jim a gift that would heal the hurt, ease what ever doubts he had. Blair knew that he could make this work. He flickered his eye lashes over the shaft once more.
"What the fuck are you doing Sandburg?" Irritation rasped like grit 80 sandpaper on his Guides sense ability's. "Just suck it for gods sake. We don't have to be here all day."
Shocked, Blair looked up at Jim. The look on his face was not anger, not yet, but impatience. "You don't Like this?" Blair was hurt, confused. He had wanted to seduce him. Give this love making as a gift. Show him that there was more to this than sex. Teach him joy, let him feel his love. Show him that this did not have to be some dirty, cold act. More than a ritual debasement, more than just getting your rocks off. Love making.
"It's OK. I don't need it though. The way you have been doing it is...fine. I don't want you to change any thing."
Blair lowered his head once more, resuming his task, as much to hid his face, his tears, and grief as to service his sentinel. Taking the punishing large cock as deep into his mouth as he could, he resumed sucking Jim off. As he was laying on Jim, and Jim was sitting in such a way that he could not thrust up much, Blair had enough control of the situation that he was not choked, and could even pull back a bit when Jim came so that he did not feel like he was drowning.
Jim came with an explosive "Ahhhh...." The first verbal show of appreciation that he had gotten from any of his administrations. It was a small mark gratifying that he could get him to give him that much. For a few moments, He was afraid of lifting his head, afraid of what he might find in Jim's eyes. He waited for long minutes, the softening cock slowly sliding away, he at last looked up to meet Jim's eyes.
He was asleep. As usually. Blair felt so betrayed. Without cleaning Jim up, or covering him up, as he had done each time in the past, he went to his room, and started to pack.
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Blair had been moving slowly trying to be quiet. Jim was sure to be out for a few hr. He had been out the rest of the night the last times. The silent tears had at last dried. Methodically he sorted the things that he would need. Made choices. He had two bags. One held his uniform and things that he would need for school. If he stayed in school, he could stay in the dorms. As much as he could not see staying with Jim at the moment, He could not just walk away from it all now. The other bag held the things that he had carefully taken out of his emergency split bag two years ago. Jeans. Tee shirts flannels. Oh yes. The emergency 100 dollar bill that he had learn early on to always have on him. Living like he had looking like he had, the best advice that his mom had given him was to have that on hand so he could not be charged with vagrancy, and who knew, some time it might come in handy. It had a number of times.
Like when Jim needed a real 100 to compare to the fake one's. That he did not get the 100 back for several weeks was a telling point. He had had to go to Jim for several small loans, to cover. That should have clue him in back then. How had Jim known that he had 100 buck on him that day unless he had been watching much more closely than he had thought.
He had been suckered all along. Jim had been controlling him. Leading him on. He did not love him. Jim was a cold..... No, not cold, he could love. He just destroyed or was almost destroyed by every thing that he ever thought that he loved. Maybe that is why he could not admit to loving him. Loving Blair would make him venerable. Sex, that was different. If all that happened what that Blair blew him, well that was not love. Hell, Jim was blaming him for the needs that he had. In his mind he was probably still strait.
A fresh tear trickled down his face as he picked up his packed bags off of the bed and turn to leave.
Jim was standing in the doorway. The look on his face was hard and unyielding and unreadable.
"Going somewhere?" The voice managed to convey cold contempt, fear of abandonment and deadly hurt in equal measures.
Oh shit.
Am continuing this due to all of the positive feedback that I got! Thank you all so kindly! How long it will continue I do not know. My muse will tell me. Thank you Jade Scribe Nancy and the other 4 rabid fans that I have!
See part 1 for warnings.
Blair stood, frozen. Deer in headlight still, clutching his packed bags. How long Jim had been watching him he had no clue.
A short tense eternity passed, as the two men stared at one another. "I am so sorry, Jim. It is just not working. I can't go on like this. It hurts too much." Tight voiced hard to contain pain, not since Maya left him the first time had he hurt this bad. At least she in her fashion had loved him. Had offered herself to him. And he had toss that aside for Jim's sake. Hell. He was in hell.
"Hurts? You want to know what hurts? That you would just run out on me. Leave without saying a word. I was right not to trust you! You all but destroy my life, hold me up for ridicule. My life has been a joke, for years now. You have no idea what crap I have had to put up with due to you! The kissie noises made when we walked down the street that you could not hear, the comments that I must be fucking you, that you were my sweet heart. Then this fraud thing. Makes it look like you have this crush on me. And I still let you live here. What dose that make me look like?" He took a deep breath "A god dam fairy! I never looked at another man! Not in the Army, Not in vice. It is something that you are doing to me! I should have never trusted you, Trusted all of this Guide crap. Then you come on to me, and Bam! Jim Ellison is a fag!"
The complete and utter unfairness of most if not all of the statements so overwhelmed and undermined Blair that he was forced to drop his bags, and sit on the bed. Paralyzed by the weight of the accusations, destroyed by the anger, he was mute and powerless. To have his friend of 4 years turn on him, after every thing that they had been through, Life and Death, sharing a bond that he had though was deeper than marriage, stronger than mere friendship. He was Jim's Guide. Jim was His Sentinel.
This was just so wrong.
Jim stood standing in the doorway, watching his numb Guide, just sitting, crushed, broken, devastated.
But not leaving. That was the important thing. He was not going anywhere.
Blair was unaware of how long he had been siting, staring at the amethyst geode on the shelf above his bed. Jim had joked once that it could fall down and kill him, but Blair had liked the balance that the crystal gave to the room, it reminded him of his Mom, a gift from her. it was to bring harmony, take all of the negative energy's out of the room, balance it. It was not doing a very good job at the moment. Hollow. Empty. Even when Jim had kicked him out of the loft that time, and he found all of his stuff in boxes, it had not been this bad. This had to be some sort of Sentinel thing. It had to be.
Without warning, he felt Jim sit on the bed behind him, beside him. His arms for the first time in weeks went around him in a hug, pulling the shell shocked Guide into the comfort of the long hoped for, needed embrace. Touch. Need. Pain. Grief.
It did not matter at this moment that the pain that he was being comforted from had been inflicted by Jim. It just mattered that his arms were at last around him. Blair turned to the warm hard chest, and crushed himself to it, his arms clutching on to Jim like that of a drowning person to a life guard. Tears that he did not know that he still could shed sprang forth, and he sobbed, heart wrenching, gut tearing soul destroying gasps, wailing like a lost and frightened child.
"It's going to be fine. I promise you, I will always take care of you. No mater what you have done to me, that will never change. I am your Blessed Protector, after all." Jim whispered this softy in Blair's ear, rocking him slightly, comforting, forgiving.
"Jim, things have to change, I can't, .... not like ... I want... " Blair choked out, between sobs and gasp.
"It's OK baby. It's all going to be OK." Jim cradled Blair's head on his shoulder, and smiled coldly, satisfied.
Oh no. Blair was not going anywhere.
For long moments the two men held one another in a desperate union, as Blair cried himself out, and Jim rocked him, whispering soft endearment, and much longed for comforts.
"It's going to be OK Sweetheart. Things are going to change. You'll see. It is going to be OK. You have always taken such good care of me, I have to learn to accept that you need to take care of me this way too." Jim cupped the tear streaked face of his Guide in his hands, and looked deep in to his blue eyes. "Perhaps we need to learn how to take care of each other all over again?"
Still stricken, Blair could only nod."It has been hard for me. You have to understand that. But I want to make it right. Make it better." Softy, Jim stroked Blair's face, tracing his ears, caressing his neck. In a slow deliberate movement, he lowered his lips to Blair's, and kissed him, the first kiss ever.
Cool lips softy bussed Blair's swollen ones, closed and chase, just resting gently on his guides, barely perceptible movements, gliding his full lower lip back and forth, puckering slightly inviting.
Blair responded as a starving man. The tender exploration, the utter lack of demand or force was a balm for his shattered soul. He opened his mouth to Jim's kiss, and tightened his arms around his neck, trembling fingers pressed to the back of Jim's head, holding him as though he was afraid that this would vanish, that the now sweet and tender lover in his arms, the longed for embrace, the much needed words, and healing touch would vanish if he did not hold it fast. In the weeks that he had passed, ever since he had tossed himself at his Sentinel feet in desperate supplication, Jim had scarcely touched him, only demanded that his needs be met, appetites satisfied.
The hollow feeling inside was rapidly being filled with the sensations of Jim's hands on his back, rubbing, easing the too stiff back, sliding under his shirt, his tee shirt, finger tips playing on touch starved flesh, mouth now open and yielding to Blair's needing tong, passive and permissive to his Guides exploration, giving sanction to the passions that Blair was at last giving vent to, at long last given the freedom to unbutton his Sentinels shirt, to touch his chest, stroke the hard planes of his flesh, toy with the nipples that he had only hopped for, working them perhaps a touch too hard in his eagerness, as Jim suddenly pulled back, breaking the kiss.
"Let me touch you Chief." Jim smiled at him. Oh it was so sweet. Just like old times, the tenderness that he had showed, rare display of his soft spot for his Guide. "After all turn about is fair play."
"All Right!" Eager whole hearted agrement. Blair was trembling, with excitement, need and still with a touch of the shock of the events of the last HR. "Man, I have wanted this So much. Wanted you So much."
A pained look crossed Jim's face. "Hush. Just let me... do this.. OK?" Quickly Deftly he striped Blair of his shirts, and watched as Blair Divested himself of his shoes socks and pants, kicking them under the bed, pushing the packed bags off of the bed, all but dragging Jim down on the bed with him.
Jim resisted his own clothing being striped from him, but reluctantly allowed Blair to diverse him of his shirt and pants. At last the two were settled, Jim still in his boxers, for some reason that only he knew.
"Just lay back. Let me." And with that Ruthlessly, he began a gentle assault on Blair's body, exploring and touching, and teasing and some times tasting, roaming hands hitting without error each hot spot of receptor on his naked Guides body.
It lasted (if that) all of 5 minutes. Too long denied, too full of need, too empty of touch and still on edge from the emotional roll a costar ride that Jim had put him through, Blair came in a long shuddering twitching noisy stream, under Jim's hands, and across Blair's Belly.
It was all so too much to take. At that moment he found that he could forgive Jim for falling asleep after he had satisfied him, The last that he was aware of was of Jim tenderly cleaning him up with his tee shirt, a wistful amused smile on his face.
"I love you Jim." So tired so sleepy, He could not help himself.
"I know. Its is OK." A kiss on the forehead, and Blair was out.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
How long he was asleep Blair did not know. Just that he woke up, covered with the afghan from the couch, and alone. The room was dark, as was the living room, and music softy played, so low that he could hardly hear it.
He padded into the next room. It was dark, but he could see Jim sitting in front of the fire place, flickering light playing on his face. A intent look, almost a zone out. He was focusing on the music
Beauty and grace is what touches me most Good times can put me in fear, I always feel safe when things are bad So I cannot let you come near It seems that I thrive on the dark side of things. I always feel alive when the death bell rings. Now you come and bring out the tears in me.
Pain never makes me cry, but happiness dose. It's so strange to watch your life walk by, Wishing it was, Wishing it was more like a fantasy, Where every day surprises me, wishing it was.
This feeling won't last cause I cannot survive I tell you I've been here before when it's moving this fast It's a matter of time One of us walks out that door. It seems that I thrive on the dark side of things I always feel alive when the death bell rings. Now you come and you bring out the tears in me.
Give this some thought And I am sure you will know This is the way it must be Emotions will rise, emotions will flow. you bring out the tears in me.
Blair watched His Sentinel, enveloped in the low music, tears on his face reflecting the fire light like gems.
The Santana song spun to an end, and another began. Jim turned his head, looking at Blair in the near dark. The fact that he knew that Jim could see him perfectly well, and that he was naked but for the afghan around his shoulders.
Hay now, all you sinners Put your lights on Put your light on, Hay now all you lovers Put your lights on Put your lights on Hay now, all you killers, put your light on, put your lights on
"Hay Jim." Blair paused, unsure of were to go or how to go about this. So he did the Guide thing. Watch your Sentinel. Go to him Comfort him. Blair joined his Sentinel on the rug in front of the fire place, not touching him, wrapping the afghan around himself, and waited.
Hay now, all you children, Leave your lights on, put your light on, Hay now, all your children, Leave your light on You better leave your lights on
Because there a monster living under my bed Whispering in my ear,
There's a darkness deep in my soul I still got a purpose to serve So let your light shine, into my home, God don't Let me lose my nerve Lose my nerve.
There is a angel with a hand on my head She says I've got nothing to fear She says, whooo-ahha hey la la, you shine like stars. Whoo-aohaha, hey la la, you shine like stars, And fade away
No words were spoken, the music wove around them, both locked in there own silence, own pain. Like very old china, likely to crack if lifted under its own weight.
Smooth.. Like seven inches from the midday Sun, I hear your whisper and the words melt every one But you stay so cool,
Jim sighed and turned to Blair, his arm open in supplication, begging with his eyes, unspoken need and pain pouring off of him. Your my reason for reason The step in my groove.
Blair came to him, abandoning the afghan folding himself naked into Jim's arms, settling into the hollow of his lap, wrapping his arms around him, grounding him, anchoring with his touch,
And If you said this life an't good enough, I would give my world to lift you up I could change my life to better suit your mood Cause you're so smooth.
Comfort. True comfort. Blair Kissed the tears off of his lovers face, and Jim licked at the dried tracks of tears from Blair's face. Tender true caring, love twisted, bottled, denied, and smothered beyond recognition, but there and not to be denied.
And it just like the occam under the moon Well that the same as the emotion that I get from you You got the kind of loving that could be so smooth.
Give me your heart and make it real Or else forget about it.
"I do love you, Blair. I can't help myself. I hate myself. I know that this is so wrong." Jim sighed, and buried his face in his Guides unruly mass of curls, taking comfort in its softness, breathing in the sweet smell of it.
Well, I'll tell you one thing If you would leave it would be a crying shame In every breath and every word I hear your name calling me out Our from the barrio, you hear my rhythm on your radio You feel the turning of the world so soft so slow Turning you round and round.
"I love you too, Jim. This has not been easy for either of us. I never meant to ... for things to be this way. " Blair pulled back, and Looked in Jim's eyes, noting the pain, the open grief, and at last, the love. If only it did not come at so high of a price. "Do you think that we could go back to the way that things were before? When I was just your partner your side kick, your Tonto?" The last was said, softy, teasing, even as he cupped Jim's face in a decidedly un Tonto like way.
Jim turned his head into that caress, and deposited the softest of kisses into his palm. "I think that we are past any going back. God knows, I wish that we could. I wish we could be.. " He looked at Blair, pain, love, need, rich in his eyes. "Different. If only you were a woman, this would be OK. If only ...." Jim stopped and sighed. "Why do you have to be so lovable?" He crushed Blair to him. "If only I could have resisted you."
Were you are is were I wanna be And through your eyes all the things I wanna see And in the night your are my dream You're every thing to me Your are the love of my life And the breath in my prayers Take My hand, lead me there What I need is you here
I cant forget when were are one From your lips The heavens pore out I can't forget that when we are one With you alone I am free.
"That is Us Blair. I knew that long time ago." The Music continued.
Every day every night you alone You're the love of my night Everyday, every night, you alone Your're the love of my life
We go dancing in the moon light with the starlight in your eyes We go dancing till the sunrise You and me we're gonna dance, dance dance.
"So were do we go from here Jim?" He asked this sentinel soft, hurt some at some of the things that Jim had said, but accepting it as his feelings, The Santana Supernatural CD had played many times, in repeat random order. In truth Blair was more than a bit tired of it, But he knew that this was Jim's favorite Group, but it was beginning to give him a head ache.
"I am not sure Chief. But it is late. We should go to sleep. you have an early class, I've got work."
"Right man. You are so right. Night ... Big guy. " Unsure of so many things, not knowing what to do or say, Blair gave Jim a peck on the cheek, and started to scramble out of his sentinels lap. he longed to ask Jim to sleep with him, or better yet to be asked to join him in that big soft feather bed upstairs, but was unsure of a welcome, or even if it was a good idea. he needed time to process, to come to terms with all of the interplay that had been happening between them. As comforting as Jim's arms around him had been, he seriously needed a time out. He was almost at his bedroom door when...
"Were do you think that you are going?" Jim's voice was teasing, but still had that note of command.
"A-hem... To bed?" He flashed Jim a startled look.
"Right. Get your But upstairs Chief. Nether of us needs to sleep alone tonight." Aggressive, playful like he had not been in weeks, a half smile playing on his lips.
"OK, Got you." Blair continued into his room to get his tee and boxers.
Jim must have read his mind. "Don't bother Chief. New rule. When you are upstairs with me, you are naked." A harsh playful sexy dangerous half growl underlined the words. Blair shivered in mixed feelings of arousal and .. unease.
The trip up the steps felt like a journey into another world. And him without a passport, or knowing the language.
Blair stood naked next to the bed, unsure of his next action. Jim slid under the covers, still in his boxers, a suddenly shy, smile at him, as patted the right side of the bed. Blare slid under the quilt and Egyptian cotton sheets, so soft, so smooth, soothing blue.
Blair and Jim hugged, and fumbled a kiss, clutching one another in need other than passion or sex. A look at the clock on the table. It was not that late. 11:30.
"Jim, man, we need to talk..."
"New rule, Chief. No talking up here. Just us. We talk, It is down stairs."
"But Jim, Its important.. I know that...."
Jim silenced him with a kiss. It was not a passionate kiss. It was slow, and sweet, more of a good night, "Go to sleep." Playfully he thawaped him on the head with two fingers, then ruffled his hair.
Jim was touching him. Holding him. It was not unreasonable that he become aroused. What had happened before was not mind boggling, but had been good, needed, but too fast. For the last 5 weeks, sex had been a non issue, a self contained need, less important than brushing teeth, seen to perhaps in random moments. He had been so twisted up with what had been happening with he and Jim, Cop school, and putting his life back together, that it had not been an issue.
But now he had a lover. Or at least he hoped that he did. He loved Jim, and Jim had said that he loved him.
Jim had also said that this was wrong, regretted that he was not a woman. Had stated that he had never looked at a guy, blamed him for the needs that he had, that Blair had seduced him into some Fairy land, destroying a place in him, shaking his world view of himself. He had never had a male lover. Who knows what old baggage he had hanging around, things that he had repressed, Things even from his Vice days.
As much as he wanted to touch Jim, Touch him arouse him, give willing what had been more or less demanded before, trade need for need, passion for passion, Love for Love, he hesitated. A lot had happened tonight. Jim had ruled out talking.
But he had also said that he had to be naked. Tenantley he moved seeking knowledge of Jim's state of affairs, if he was also aroused. After the last few weeks, he might have some right to touch, to invite, to ask to share.
Jim captured his hand, seeming knowing of his intent. He shook his head, and instead guided his Guides hand back down to his own need, wrapping his fingers over his around his hard and needing erection. "Go for it. Show me. Let me feel you." Jim whispered in Blair's ear, hot breath an excitement in and of it's own."
No one has ever had to ask Blair twice about sex. Well, Maya, but that was different. She was a virgin, and he was falling in love with her. This how ever was Jim. And he loved him. "Help me?"
"Always." Jim's fingers skimmed over his chest, holding and touching, releasing, stroking, re finding the hot spots of the first time, discovering more, playing with the inside of his elbows, licking his neck, nipping at his shoulders, playing with his bellybutton, somehow never going below his waist.
"Jim.. Please.. I am going to.. Iamgoingto Iam. ... oh..."
At last his hand descended on him, and Blair bucked up into the pressure that covered the head of his cock, His mouth latching onto Jim's, darting his tong into his Sentinels, seeking completion on more than one level.
Passion receded, and he rode the last waves out from orgasms beach. Jim stroked his hair in a friendly gentle movement, petting his hair back, carefully removing the handful of tissue's that he had used to capture Blair's ejaculation wiping him down cleaning him up, Disposing of it in the trash, pulling the draw string tight, sealing it.
"Thank you. Good night Big Guy." Blair reached for Jim, seeking cuddeling, to share after glow.
"Night Darwin." A last head pat, and Jim rolled over, and went to sleep.
Blair, disappointed, curled up as close as he dared, and Mediated till he fell asleep.
Morning found Blair alone, the alarm going off giving him just enough time to get showered and dressed. When he went to get his uniform out of the bag, he found it ironed, and hung back up in his closet, and all of his stuff replaced in its usual spots. He was filled with a mixture of gratude and annoyance. He did not have time even for an algae shake, but found 10 bucks on the counter near the half full pot of coffee. A flash back to the days of when he was a student and Jim knew he was short of lunch cash, and would leave him unasked a 10 or a 20 from time to time. It brought a lump to his throat, remember the old days, when Jim looked out for him, and he for Jim, uncomplicated. Why did things have to change? He pocketed the 10 and headed to class.
It was going to be a long ride. An accident up ahead. Oh well. He put on a CD, Trying to relax.
She is taking her time making up reasons To Justify the hurt inside. Guess she knows for the smiles and the look in there eyes everyone got a theory about the bitter one. There're saying "Mama never loved her much" And Daddy never keeps in touch That is why she shies away from human affection.
That could be Jim. His Mom gone, abandoning him, His dad cold and distant, the two of them not speaking for near 18 years.
But some were in a privet place She packs her bags for outer space And now she is waiting for the right kind of Pilot to come and she'll say to him
I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be.. If you will be my baby. Got a ticket for a world were we belong so would you be my baby?
A idea came to Blair. If Jim could use music to talk to him, perhaps he could do the same.
She can't remember a time when she felt needed If love was red then she was color blind. All her friends they've been tried for treason And crimes that were never defined. She's saying "Love is like a barren place. And reaching out for human faith, Is like a journey I just don't have a map for"
He was Jim's Guide. He was the Map. Jim had been hurt, abandoned, had love shatter in his hands, love one's die in his arms too often. Perhaps that is why he had such a hard time opening to him. Blair smiled to himself. It was time for him to be the Guide. To take charge, To show Jim were they were going. He might have been striped of all credibility as a teacher, but one thing he did know. It was James Ellison.
It was time to tame his Sentinel once more. Gentle him, soothe him, settle his fears. This was all some fear based response. He might be afraid that he would leave. He had all most said as much, with the song that he was crying to, words that he could not say, words that he would not let Blair say to him. Well, that was going to change. Starting Tonight.
All the mixed emotions, we keep locked away like stolen pearls Stolen pearl devotions we keep locked away from all the world.
Your kisses are like pearls, so different and so rare But Anger stole the jewels away and love has left you bear. Made you cry... These tears of pearls.
Well, I could be the tired joker pour my heart out to get you in Sacrifice my happiness Just so I could win Maybe cry.. These tears of pearls
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Day alternately flew and dragged. It was a half day, so he could head into the station. Calling, asking Jim if he had any thing going on that he could use help on, there was a hesitation, one that had not been there before. "I am good." Pause. " You do what ever you want to." And hung up. That was not uncommon. Calls under a minute were free, and he and Jim and gotten making 45 second calls down to a science. Do what ever he wanted to. Dam. He wanted to be with Jim, he wanted to go to the loft and meditate. He wanted to fix what ever was wrong with Jim, with him. Before he would not have even asked if Jim wanted him at the station. He would just show up. Stupid Sandburg. You are the one that is changing up on him. In the end he opted for going in to the station. At best he could help Jim with some paperwork, at worst, he could use the Gym for a bit If Jim was put off by him coming there.
He just had to remember to be himself. If he could just remember who or what that was. He was so screwed.
The Bull pen was the same as ever, or as close as it could get after the clean up, the smell of new pain and plaster and wood, fabric and plastic plain even to his non sentinel nose. How could Jim handle it? Evidently by dialing it down. Jim was not aware that Blair was even in the Building till he said his name in front of him. Or else he had been zoning.
He seemed glad to see him, and accepted his help on the usual mountain of paper work. At last done, heading for home, taking Jim's truck, and leaving Blair's car, so that tomorrow they would ride in together, as Blair had later classes. That suited Blair fine.
Jim's older truck had no CD player, or Blair might have started his plan then and there.
"I have a CD that I want you to hear to when we get home." Blair tried to say it lightly...
"Sure Chief. As long as it is not about Building Little Bird house's in your soul. I still don't get that one."
And they were off, talking music, taste and oldies and goodies and new and weird. It was just like old times. Before the ... change.
*****
"Pizza or Chinese? I don't feel much like cooking. And I know it is mine turn." Jim's hand was reaching for the phone, looking at Blair, questioning.
"Sound great! Chinese it is! How about Buddha delights? And steamed dumplings. Thanks Jim! I just want to jump in the shower quick. Be right out." This was so cool. It would give him a chance to get prepared. A Clean Guide was a sexy Guide. And he had been reading up. He had some preparing to do. Blair smiled to himself.
Blair was acting odd. Even for him. Jim picked up the CD that Blair had been so intent on showing to him. He popped it in the CD player, and set it on random play, very low, and settled down to wait for take out and his Guide.
We stumble in a tangled web,
Decaying friend ships almost dead.
And hide behind a mask of lies
We twist and turn and and we avoid
I see the truth inside your eyes
So take all this noise into your brain
And send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shead my skin, call
You up and then..
I'll say the words out loud.
You could resurrect a thousand
Words to deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the reasons why I don't need you
Any more.
Time manipulates your heart,
preconceptions torn apart
Begin to dout the my state of mind
But I won't go down on what I sad
I won't retract convictions read
I may perplex, but I 'm not blind
Jim cut the power to the sound system, shaking. What did this mean? Is this what Blair had wanted to show him, that he was betrayed or betrayer? That he did not need him any more? That the partnership, the friend ship was at a end? The Thousand words, that was clearly his thesis, the lies, the masks, that was there life. That was now. Oh God. Just when things looked like it might work out for once.
Jim did not hear the knock on the door."Jim? Can you get that?" Minutes passed, At last Blair got out of the shower, paid the delivery person, and tipped him for the cooling food. Were the hell was Jim? Towel still wrapped around his waist, He was about to head up the stairs, when he noticed the glow from the CD player. Hum. Jim was sitting on the chair in front of the system, but the headphones were not on. He was zoned. Dam.
"Jim?" Softy, he spoke his Sentinels name. What had he zoned on? He looked at the High-Tec CD player. It showed Savage Garden, the CD that he had wanted to play for Jim, but .. It was on track 9 A thousand words. Shit. Grabbing the jewel case he pulled out the song sheet. OH MY GOODNESS. This was so not what he wanted to convey to Jim! This was far too close to what might be, have been, could still be, for comfort. It was not about love or trust, or learning to give. If Jim heard this, and thought that this is what he wanted to tell him, no wonder that he had zoned.
He had to fix this. He had to. He was more than his Sentinel. He was his love. All of the dout that he had been plagued with all day was striped aside looking at the blank bleak lost face.
He had to save him. Save himself.
He turned on the system. Jim had turned it down so low that he could not hear it. Not knowing what else to do, he turned up speakers till he could just hear it, and started the CD from 1, and kneeled on the floor in front of him Holding his Loves face, whispering words of love and need, and grounding.
Dinner was going to be cold and late.
*****
Blair held the remote for the sound system in his hand, ready to shut it off at a moments notice. Carefully he looked at the play list, and made his choices, keeping one eye on his zoned Sentinel. His attempts to bring him back had not worked. He had not been this deep into a zone in a long time. Years. Shit. He was so close to his feeling now. Perhaps that is why it was so hard for him to love, to be open. Blair remembered Carroll say that about her X husband, that he was too distant, that he could not open and share his feeling. He seldom Kissed her. Touched Blair more than he had ever touched her. Dam. If Jim treated her like he had been treating him, no wonder she left him. It was clear that Jim loved her, at least as much as he was capable of. What if this was all that he could give to him?
Sex and love and touching all seemed to be in different compartment for him. Separated by that trust issue. He could trust a Friend. Could he trust a Lover? Could he learn to trust him once more? The near blank blue eyes looked past him, beyond him. What did he see? Alex had seen the cells of her skin, the molecules of water, of the air, had drowned in sensations. Jim had for a brief space of time been there with her. Shared such a moment that most humans did not have even the capacity for. But he did not trust her, Did he love her, at some Sentinel primal instant level love her? Could he truly love Blair, share what most persons held to be love and affection? How much was due to his truly fucked up child hood, how much to the very through back cave man instincts that made him a Sentinel? What would he have to give up to be his lover?
He had given up so much to be his Guide. What else did he have to give up? He had given him his life, his Plans, his Thesis, his standing in the academic community. He would never be Professor Sandburg. That had been his one dream in life. The one constant and true. The thing that would validate his whole life. To be a teacher. Now he was a unwanted teacher in a one student class room. Great.
But Blair was not a quitter. He would never have lasted at Jim's side for the last 4 years. He was good at using what was at hand to make things happen. He had no time to pore over books, or search in ancient text. Jim had zoned on this song, from a CD that he had Made A. Point of wanting him to hear. He had got a message, but the wrong one. For a moment he wished to smash the Savage Garden CD, but that would not change or fix any thing. He could only take him back through the experience, and talk him through it, Hope that he could fix this, and then he would never never do this to himself. He would make Jim talk. Music could be the language for many things, but some things needed to be said out loud, No mater how painful.
The music started, soft and low. The first track, the one that was so close to Jim's life, abandon by his Mom, shut out by his Dad, not trusting any one. To the moon and back. The let it play through once, then re started the song, Taking Jim's face in his hands, almost in his lap.
"Jim. I love you. I need you to come back from were ever you are now. I want to be your Guide, your Map, your contact. Your lover."
Slowly he kissed and stroked his Sentinel. Face and arms, back, through his tee shirt, slowly touching his neck, massaging his scalp, trying to break down the walls, the bearers that he held back trying to be gentle, not knowing how sensitive he was at this moment, how far away he was, needing to connect on a physical level as well as a spiritual one.
I want you came on, and he quickly switch it to the next one. Madly truly, better for the moment.
Softy Blair sang with the music, whispering the words, as he held him self to the chest of his love.
"I'll be your dream be your wish, your hope your fantasy be every be your hope your love, your every thing that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly Madly, deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful
Cause I'm counting on
A new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning.
I want to stand with you on a mountain, I wan't to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the Sky falls down on me.
And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky
I'll make a wish to send it to heaven
Then make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the
plusher in the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of
The highest powers
in lonely hours
the tears devour you.
"I want to stand with you on a mountain, I want to bath with you in the sea.....
"OK Chief. I get the point." Blair looked up, Eyes moist to see Jim smiling down at him.
"Jim... I do love you." Relief made him weak, and it was all that he could do to hold on to his partner, and shake a tad. He realize that he was still naked, but for the towel, and that he had been kneeling for near a Hr, trying to reach his zoned Sentinel
"I love you too." He scruffed Blair's hair, but Blair grabbed the back of Jim's head, and pulled him down for a kiss, Jim resisting a tad, but giving in slowly opening to it, more with patience than with passion or need.
"The food is cold by now. Smells like they put MSG in it. Want me to call and tell them to fix your order?" Jim looked at his Guide, affection deep in his eyes.
Jim was talking about food. He had zoned deeper and harder than he had in years, it had taken him a Hr to bring him back, and Jim was talking about food! "Sure. ... Tell them to bring some Hot and Sour too."
Blair fled into his room, to toss on sweats. He was so cold. If only he could just warm himself on Jim.
The night was still young. And so was he.
Jim was putting the rice and his food in the microwave, and the dumplings hot sitting on the table. He came over, and put his hand on Blair's shoulder, squeezed it, smiling. OK.. things were back to what passed for normal. Dam. That ... was not what he was trying for.
Blair made tea, as Jim set the table, chopsticks and paper plate that came with the food, a beer for both of them. The advantage of having a Chinese take out down the street on the same block is that food came fast most of the time. The delivery person at the door made admen, and exchanged the food, sorry about the MSG, and gave them the Soup for free. Wow. Settling down at the table to eat, For a moment Jim's eyes locked with his Guides. For just one moment Blair thought that the food and the table were going to be swiped to the floor, and that Jim would take him NOW on the table, The hunger there was as strong as the taste of the hot and sour soup, as sweet as the duck sauce, and gone like it had never been.
"Soup is good, want some?" Blair toss some of the fired noodles in, even knowing the fried noodles were for him.
"Got Egg drop. The dumplings are not bad reheated. For steamed that is."
"Want to go to the Jag's game next week? I have the night off." Jim offered in an off hand way." It's Sat. Simon has tickets. He can't make it."
"Sure. As long as no one try's to hijack the team, that could be fun!"
The two men laughed, police humor.
"Just bring your piece just in case.. " Jim stopped.
"I have to." Abruptly, the reminder of old scars, of changes, of the way that things use to be, and now were not, put a damper on the situation. Time to change tactics.
"So what do you want to do tonight Jimbo?"
"Well, Voyager is on soon. Then was going to head up to bed." He looked At his Guide. Want to join me?"
"Sure." It was all that he could say.
It was almost like old times. Even sharing a bowl of popcorn, and finishing off there beers in front of the TV, making comments about the highly unlikely pairings that were formed on the show.
"I don't know. Who would you see Janeway with? Tom, Tuvock, Chakotay, or B'Elanna?"
"Seven of Nine." Jim was firm about that.
"Why? Think that due to her saving her from the borg that she would turn to her as a mentor? Or that Janeway had the hots for her? And that is why she saved her?"
"Nope. Just think that would be hot to watch." He grinned at Blair's open mouth, and pulled him over to nouggie him. It turned it to a tickling match, upending the thankfully empty bowl on the floor, and ending with Blair breathless and pinned by Jim's legs and arms on his lap. Jim could not let him go, without risk of being tickled, Blair squirming, his back to Jim's hard chest. Turned his head, and kissed Jim on the cheek, as close to his mouth as he could.
Jim froze. Oh Please, don't have a zone out now. Blair would never get free if he did that. "That is cheating Chief. " Held Blair for an another moment, not moving. Much. Blair could feel the quicking erection, pressed into his left thigh, and micro squirmed a bit, trying to get more of a feel for it.
Jim released Blair so quickly, and removed him from his lap so gently that he was unprepared for the action. "It's time for bed." Without looking at Blair, Jim headed for the bathroom, leaving his guide confused and unsure. Was what he said before an invitation to join him?
Jim left the bathroom, and stopped at the foot of the stairs. Not looking at him. "I'm heading to bed Chief." No good night. Was that due to him expecting him to join him? or was he too up set to say goodnight?
Blair though hard, brushing his teeth extra long, too hard. a drop of blood. Dam. that would bug Jim. He used the Toms mouth wash, hoping that would dull the taste and sent of the blood. Hell. he was in hell. He striped off his sweats and left them on his bed. If Jim did not want him in his bed tonight, he would have to tell him.
Resolve almost left him as he climbed the stairs. But it was better to be rejected than to lay down stairs and wonder all night long.
*****
The light by the bed was on low, high enough that Blair could see. Jim would not need a light. He much have left it on for him. That was hopeful. Jim was under the covers, His sleeping mask on. Dam. The last time that he had used that to his knowledge wash when his senses had gotten way hyper. Perhaps this is a bad Idea. He almost turned and went back down the stairs.
"What are you waiting for, an invitation?"
"As a mater of fact, yes."
"OK. Get over here."
"Your so a charmer." Blair slid in what was becoming his side of the bed. Something was different. A Valero blanket was down over the sheet, soft and plush and oh so sensual, He ran his hand over it, reveling in the feel of it, the sensation of it on his naked body. He had vowed to himself that he would be still and quiet if Jim was asleep, but he was finding hard to keep still with the ticklish softness of the plush pushing into his body.
It was as much of a turn on as Jim being next to him. One or the other he could resist, but the two were just too much stimulation. He was rock hard, needing, finding it hard to keep his hands to himself, or from himself. Jim had band decisions from the bedroom. Well, actions could speak louder than words. Jim put this blanket down for a reason. Stimuli and response. Now to decide what his response was going to be. He had given Jim blow jobs, had his affection, gotten sexual attention from him, abet hesitantly, But not all at the same time. The man had no clue about after glow. Or foreplay. Or during play. It was as though love and sex were two sperate issues. And trust was some place in a different zip code.
Blair rolled over and fit his body along his sentinels side, half over his body, his head on his chest, arms around him, leg over his thighs, just touching his balls, and cock, sliding softly along the firmness that was there.
And he stopped. Even with his erection straining, pressed hard and needing into Jim's hip, He just stayed there, holding. Not giving in to the strong urge to just rub off, grind his cock into the silk sheathed flesh that was so warm and hard before him. Jim was hard. It would not take much to reach out, and fondle him, stroke him, perhaps even suck him off. Now that he was not being pressured into it, He could see sucking his sentinel cock as an enjoyable thing.
But not yet. He had to make sure that Jim did not zone on any one thing, and that he could make this as good for him as posable, for both of them. He had brought up the remote for the CD player, and he clicked it on. The changers was filled with CD that were Jim's favorites, From the Doors to Eric claption, to steal eye span, and Deep purple, all set so low that he could only just hear it.
Blair stroked Jim's chest with his fingertips, exploring with a feather light touch each ripple, the pucker of the nipples, the curve ad swell of ribs, the flat hard rippling flat belly, casually stroking whisper soft over the rampant cock, that was the telling point. Jim was hard. Not leaking pulsing I am about to cream hard, but hard and interested non the less. Now to see how he could go about making his friend and lover one and the same, and make and keep the trust of both.
"Like this Jim?" Blair asked hesitant, trying for seductive and feeling and sounding sort of scared and needy.
"It's OK."
OK.. Well, he could work with OK. At least he had not been told to let go, or stop, or do something different.
It was time to go to phase two.
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