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by
Jim sat frozen in place for in indeterminate amount of time. When reality began to reassert itself and the truth of what had just happened hammered itself into his numbed brain, Jim was galvanized into action.
He left the loft and ran down both flights of stairs, unwilling to risk getting stuck in the sometimes-working elevator. Unfortunately, by the time he reached the parking lot, Blair was already driving away.
Jim wasted no time in climbing into his truck and following. He wasn't exactly sure what it was he was going to say if and when he caught up with him. He only knew he couldn't just sit by and do nothing while Blair left.
A life without his guide did not bare thinking about.
After a few minutes of following the Volvo down the familiar streets of Cascade, Jim realized that Blair wasn't leaving town. That was a relief but did nothing to cause him to relax. The fact was that Blair had still left him.
After several turns and more red lights than Jim had the patience for, he saw the Volvo pull into the parking lot of a motel. He followed in his truck and pulled into a spot that allowed him to see both the string of motel rooms, and Sandburg's parking spot.
Jim extended his hearing when it was apparent Blair wasn't getting out of his car. He seemed to be just sitting there. Not even moving. He couldn't even hear the rustle of clothing, or the sound those curls made in the breeze. It was almost as if he had been frozen.
It didn't sound as though Blair was distressed, moreso than usual. He breathing was normal and heart rate wasn't elevated. After a few more still seconds, the Volvo's car door opened.
Jim watched as Blair climbed out and then bent back into the vehicle and pulled out one of the boxes he had taken from the loft. After closing the car door, Blair started walking towards one of the motel rooms on the ground floor.
The fact that he went directly to the room and not into the office told Jim that Blair had already been here. The Sentinel didn't like the fact that Blair had actually made arrangements to stay someplace other than the loft.
It bespoke of how serious this situation really was.
Jim leaned back in his seat, unsure of what to do. He needed to go and talk to Blair, that much he knew. But he didn't know what to say. Didn't know what it would take to make Blair come home with him. Didn't know if he could ever be what Blair needed.
Taking a deep breath and shoring up all his courage, Jim Ellison, climbed out of his truck and made the slow trek to where his future now resided.
***
Blair Sandburg leaned heavily against his motel room door. Leaving Jim was the most difficult thing he'd ever have to do. But he knew, without a doubt that if he didn't do it now, he probably never would.
And while the mere thought of a life without Jim had the power to send him into a panic attack, Blair knew that there could be no other way. Not without them *both* understanding the nature of what would happen now. Not without them *both* willing to trust in whatever would happen next.
Taking a deep, cleansing breath, Blair moved away from the door. Almost mechanically he set the box in his arms down on the small dresser. He knew he had other boxes out in his car. Boxes that he should bring inside, if for no other reason than to keep them from cluttering the already cluttered vehicle. But the former anthropologist couldn't bring himself to empty the car just to bring the stuff into the already cramped motel room and force himself to stare at it.
He took a seat on the small bed and looked around the room. It was odd that his entire life could be reduced to a bunch of boxes. What did that say about him?
Sure a good portion of his life he had pretty much lived out of a suitcase. Even the decade before meeting Jim he had moved around a lot. Always close to Rainier, but never in the same place for very long.
But once Jim had come along, things had changed. He had a place, a space that really was his. A home. In Jim. But now, all that was gone. Everything was gone. He wasn't morbid enough to say his very life was over, but pretty damn close.
He knew he could have stayed. He could have taken Simon up on his offer, and gone to the academy and become Jim's permanent and official partner. But what would that have accomplished?
They still would have been in this odd place. This place where not everything felt as it should. Where they didn't talk about the how's and why's of things. Where Jim never asked why Blair did the things he had, where he pretended he didn't know. And where Blair pretended that it didn't matter that the things he had done, he had done out of love. A love that wasn't returned. Could never be returned.
Things couldn't have gone on that way. Blair knew it, and whether or not Jim realized it yet, he knew it too. Now if Blair could only come to terms with his decision and figure out what he was going to do with the rest of his life.
A knock at the door disrupted Blair's inner musings. He stood up and walked to it, but hesitated before opening it. He knew who was on the other side and wasn't sure if he was ready to face him.
A second knock was accompanied by his name, said in a tone that transmuted Jim's confusion more than anything else.
Sighing wearily, Blair opened the door and stepped aside. Once Jim entered, he closed the door, blocking out the afternoon's light.
Jim limped over to the bed and sat down, trying to keep weight off his wounded leg.
Blair joined him on the bed and waited for whatever it was Jim had come to say.
The two sat there in silence for what seemed an eternity.
"You can't leave." Jim finally said after several long seconds of attempting to speak.
"I can't?" Blair asked quietly.
"No. You can't. I don't want you to." That last was whispered and Blair had to strain to hear.
"Why not?" Blair asked after trying to think of what to say in response.
Jim was silent for a long time, trying to come up with an answer that would both satisfy Blair and be the truth. Unfortunately he couldn't come up with anything.
Finally Blair stood up and walked a few feet away, towards the only window in the room. You couldn't really see anything out of it but another building, but at the moment it was better than looking at anything inside the room.
"Why did you do it?" He asked softly.
Jim was confused. Why did he do what? Shouldn't that be his question? But when the true meaning of Blair's question became clear, the Sentinel sucked in a breath, not wanting to have this conversation, but knowing it was well overdue.
"I. I couldn't let you go. I. needed you. Still do." Jim's words were choked with the pain of saying them.
"You don't need me." Blair answered quietly. "You're senses are fine. You haven't zoned in. a long time."
Jim nodded his agreement but then looked up sharply. "Is that what you think? That I only. need you because of this Sentinel thing?"
"This Sentinel thing, as you put it is not a thing, Jim. It's who you are. It's you're life."
No, you're my life, Jim wanted to say, but couldn't bring himself to utter the words. "I know." He said instead.
"Do you?" Blair asked as he turned around to face his friend for the first time since moving to the window.
"Yeah, I do." Jim answered sincerely and for the first time since discovering Blair was leaving Jim got a glimpse that maybe more was going on here than he had believed.
"Blair, I don't want you to go. I need you. Here, in Cascade. In the loft. With me."
Blair waited for a second, wondering if there was more. Jim seemed to be lost. Finally he spoke. "Why?"
"Why?" Jim echoed, confused.
"Yes, why? Do you even know why? Why you saved me? Why you need me? Why you don't want me to go?" Blair's voice was barely above a whisper but seemed loud in the Sentinel's ears.
"I." Jim hesitated. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say, or what was safe for him to admit. "I don't know what to say, Blair."
"Say what you mean." Blair offered, not really wanting to have to spell it out for his friend.
When Jim seemed to be lost as to what to say, Blair sighed and made his way to the door. "Maybe you'd better leave." He opened it and waited for Jim to get up. When the older man seemed rooted to the spot, Blair spoke again. "I'm not leaving. Not yet at least."
Jim seemed to take this at face value and stood up. He made his way to the door and stepped out, turning around to face Blair.
"I don't know what I mean, or what you want me to say. Or. pretty much of anything."
Blair smiled slightly knowing how hard it was for Jim to admit even that much. "Well when you figure it out, you let me know. I'll be here."
Jim watched as Blair shut the door in his face, gently. He moved towards his truck slowly and couldn't help but think that despite the fact that they hadn't really accomplished anything and Blair was still staying in some small motel room instead of his small bedroom, that maybe, just maybe there was still hope.
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