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by
"Chief?"
I move my head to show I heard him, but just barely. I really don't wanna move at all. I'm perfectly happy with staying like this - resting between Jim's legs, my back against his chest, his arms around me, my head on his shoulder, as we snuggle on the couch.
It's amazing how fast a month has gone by.
"Don't you think..."
He sounds nervous. I can hear his heart speed up under my head. Why is his heart speeding up? Why is he nervous? He's not gonna break up, I know, because he tells me he loves me every day. And I tell him I love him back. So why is he nervous?
"Don't you think it's time we..." He swallows. "...went public?"
I tense up, and he must have noticed, because he hugs me tighter. "I mean, if you want to?" he adds, but I still can't seem to get my body to relax. Relax, damnit! Stupid, disobedient body!
"You mean, coming out of the closet?" I ask carefully.
"Yeah," he says. "I mean... I love you, and I'm proud of it. I don't want to..." Another swallow. "...hide it."
"I don't know," I say before I really have a chance to think, and immediately I know it's the wrong response. Jim tenses behind me, and then he releases me in order to stand up and walk over to the kitchen.
"Jim?"
"It's okay," he tells me as he opens the refrigerator and takes out a beer, but I can hear it's not okay. Damnit, Jim, I've been living with you for almost three years, I know when you're lying!
"Jim, I'm..." What am I gonna tell him? "I'm not... ashamed of you... of us... so don't think that, please."
"I don't," he says. Damn, he can sound cold when he tries to.
"Jim, I'm just... I'm just scared, that's all."
"Yeah, so am I!" Ooops, I made him angry. "But that doesn't mean I wanna go around hiding this to people! I love you, Chief, and I don't want it to seem as if I'm ashamed of it! I *want* people to know about us and know how much I love you!"
"I do too," I start, "but that doesn't make me any less scared!"
"But I'm here for you! I'm scared too, but if I ran the other way every time I got scared, I wouldn't be much of a cop, now would I!?"
I blink for a minute. I didn't even realize Jim got scared.
"You get scared?"
Oh, nice going, Sandburg, now he only looks ever more angry than before.
"Of course I do!" Please don't scream, Jim, I didn't mean to. "I get scared that somebody will be faster or smarter or luckier than me and put a bullet in me or someone I care about every damn time we're hunting down some guy! I wake up every day praying it won't be the last for either me or the people I love!"
"Jim-"
"But what would happen if I just didn't get out of bed in the morning because I might get shot, huh? Not a damn thing! If you want to do something about your fright, you stand up to it and you face it!"
"Yeah, but-"
"I love you so much it hurts, and I don't want to hide that! I don't give a fuck how other cops will look at me if they find out I'm gay! If I lose some friends because I'm in a relationship with another man, then I'll get sad and then I'll get over it, because if my friends can't tolerate us, then I don't want them as friends!"
Us?
"Us?"
Ooo, and it's another nice one from Blair Sandburg...
"Yes, moron! In case you haven't noticed, there is an 'us' and there has been since the moment you pretended to be a doctor and threw this Sentinel thing in my face!"
He's done now. Now would be a good time to speak. Yeah, speak. If only I could get my voice to work.
"I guess that was our first fight."
I guess that wasn't the best thing to say. Now Jim's probably gonna yell at me again. He's probably gonna... Except he's not yelling. He's... looking at me with a strange expression on his face. He's... putting down his beer. He's... walking towards me.
Great, he's gonna slam me up against the wall again and tell me I'm an idiot? Jeez, why can't I ever get my stupid mouth to say the right things when I want it to? Why do I always have to be such a moron? Why can't I just tell him I want people to know too, and that I'm just scared, and that it was a pure reflex to say-
Oh, Jim smoochies....
Oh, more Jim smoochies...
Oh, even more Jim smoochies...
Oh, even- no, no more Jim smoochies...
Mind working again. Yes, mind working again. Must get brain to function and mouth to speak. Not just vowel sounds, but actual words. Right. Damn, when did that task become so difficult?
"I..."
Nice going. Not just vowel sounds, remember? Now get to it and tell him you're ready to come out, if he's there with you.
"I get it," he says before I can say anything else.
Oh, now he gets it, yeah ri- Wait, he gets it?
"I understand how you feel, and I promise to be there for you." Oh... "You're not the only one who's scared, but we can do this if we do this together, okay, Chief?"
Oh...
Oh, Jim smoochies.
Yeah, I can do this.
*We* can do this.
*We* are coming out.
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