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by
I watch him flying out the door. Hair swinging wildly, back pack just clinging to your shoulder, as your rush to meet someone, ever on the edge of being late.
"Have a good time, Sandburg" I call, not looking up from the TV. "Try to stay out of trouble." It is as close as I can get to telling him how much he means to me.
"I will be late Jim, don't hold dinner." He knows that I can hear him, he is just at the elevator. Counting that I am lissoning to him.
I don't want to tell him how much I need him. I have to down play each time something happens, each time we part. It is allway I will see you. Later. Be carefull has creeped in, some how. Don't get kidnaped, or muged, or have some stranger hurt you. I wonder if he had know what sort of Karma he was garnering if he would have hunted me down at the hospital.
I wonder some times, why I went to Rainier. Sure, he proved him self with in the first 5 minutes, that this was real, that I needed him. But he could have died a number of times. No dissertation, is worth that.
I think that he loves me. We never say it. We never show it. Just buddies. I can't Let him know. It would freak him out if he knew how much I obsesses about him. How much I talked about him to Simon, hell, he is the only one that I can talk to about him.
Blair Hums. I do not think that he knows it. Even before I started focusing on his heart beat, He hummed. Music. Always under his breath, high up in his head, no one else to hear. I would point this out, but He might stop. I know when he is up set but when and if he hums what he is humming. When things are truly bad, he stops.
Some time it is comforting. Siting in the truck, what ever is on the radio, with Blair in counter part, or some time just off on his own. He is too kind or intimated to ask to change the music that he is not into, he just shifts into his own sound system in his head.
Blair Radio. I smile at the thought. When he is grading papers, and I have the TV down real low, it is him that I am listening to. Oh I can watch the news, and do that. I am always aware of him in the room, or out. Behind me. Beside me. Have to keep him close, If I don't, then I am distracted, hunting him down. Have to know that he is OK.
I miss his heart beat. I miss His humming.
Blair radio.
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