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by
Routine. Jim Ellison had a lifetime of learning to cope with it. He was usually pretty good at it. But not all this paperwork today, subject of more tests tomorrow, then paperwork again. Unfortunately, though it came in very handy in certain situations, he had also developed an almost impenetrable mask. In fact, only Blair saw through it, and not all the time.
Blair had fallen into 'campus routine'. Basically it was also paperwork, but at least there was the odd intellectual stimulus or gratification to be had. And on the days of submitting Jim to ever more refined tests, well... he wasn't the subject, was he? Under the circumstances there was only one place where Blair could have noticed anything. Bed time. The only impediment was that sex was still as brilliant as ever and Blair fell asleep peacefully in Jim's arms, exhausted but relaxed.
Then Jim's memories took over. Not enough to make his sleep troubled, not enough to make him stir and wake up Blair. Truth be told, most of the time he wasn't even properly asleep, so he could control his body's reactions. Just not his mind's.
Seeds were being sown. It scared him not knowing what they would turn into. Monsters that would come and take him in the night? Portents of terrible things? Could they be related to his Guide, his Partner, his Lover? He felt this last one was true. Blair. But what could possibly be worse than all they'd been through already, all that Blair had endured? Only if what was about to come this time would mean Blair's suffering would come from Jim. What kind of Sentinel was he if he could not sense anything more specific? Maybe he still could. Maybe there was still time. Maybe.
~~~~~~
Morning. Breakfast. Unconsciously choreographed down to perfection. They had done it a thousand times. Except talking usually crept in, midway through the meal itself. Not this time. So it was down to Blair to start.
"Anything wrong? I noticed you didn't sleep all that well. Again"
"Sorry."
"You know I don't mean it like that." Blair smiled at Jim with something like mild tenderness threatening to go ballistic. It did, he got up, went around and gave Jim a big bear hug, almost strangling him in the process.
"I just worry about you. It kind of rubs off." He whispered in Jim's ear. He went back to his place at the table. Only his herbal tea left to finish off.
"So? Still not telling?"
"Still not knowing." Jim grinned back.
~~~~~~
Jim only got back from the station at 7. No need to come up with excuses, he'd just got held out doing hated paperwork, and he hoped Blair wasn't too pissed.
As it turned out Blair wasn't in the loft at all. Jim sensed no danger, just sexual arousal. Difficult to say if it was his own, missing Blair's company and touch or his Guide's.
By 9 Jim had ordered and eaten some crappy pizza. By 11 he was slouched in front of the TV. By 1 AM he was ready to receive his Partner with a good degree of justifiable anger but Blair arrived and beat him to it.
"Still waiting up for me mummy?"
It was not so much the sarcasm in his tone. It was the strong scent of a woman mixed with that of Blair's own sperm that temporarily prevented Jim from reacting. And when he did, his voice was almost apologetic.
"Sorry Chief, didn't mean to. I kind of fell asleep in front of the TV. Had a good time?"
"What do you mean?"
"Just what I'm saying. Look, why are you so mad at me?"
"Not a very good night, no. I think I'll turn in, you just finish your movie or whatever."
Jim stayed up only long enough to let Blair fall asleep. It struck him, not for the first time, how the most intelligent of people can be such terrible liars. Maybe that's why most of them are basically good. Or basically indifferent to what surrounds them but doesn't concern their fields of interest? Would Blair still be putting up with his IQ if he wasn't so damned interested in studying him, dissertate over him - if Fate hadn't made them a Sentinel and his Guide.
Jim had given the issue a lot of time amd thought recently, and had come to the conclusion - possibly erroneous - that the answer was a resounding No. Tonight had just brought home how true that was. The one person he needed most in his life didn't even have any use for him as an object of sexual pleasure. Fuck! It hurt like hell! Couldn't Blair sense it somehow? No, of course not... What was he thinking?
Sleep didn't come to him at all. Sharing a bed with someone who just reeked of cheap hetero sex was not exactly conducive to sweet dreams. Not that Jim had experienced sweet dreams in a long time, but still.
And so to another morning. Blair felt slightly guilty. He also noticed how Jim was looking. Noticed it properly. Dark circles under his eyes, loss of weight, a certain listlessness... Guilt took the driving seat.
"Jim? You're not looking so well... Did you sleep better tonight?"
"Not too well, Chief..."
"You mean not at all?"
"Yes.."
"Not eating any better either, I see."
"Well I'm eating now, aren't I?"
"Not exactly. You're just drinking cup after cup of coffee and playing around with your food... Look, about last night.."
"I don't need to know everything. You can have your privacy, you know? It seemed pretty obvious you didn't want to tell me, so let's just leave it at that."
"You're angry. You have every right to be. Please if you'd just let me explain..."
"Explain what? That not only am I a dumbfuck but that I'm not even a good fuck now? I can take a hint. I bet you can't wait to finish your thesis or dissertation. Move out. Get rid of me. But there's this bond you can't cut. And you're starting to hate me for that. Well I'm sorry, I didn't ask to be a Sentinel. I didn't... I... I love you Blair. Hurts that you no longer feel the same way about me."
"What are you talking about?"
"You had a date last night, yes? With a woman. How was it?"
"Oh man, you got it all so wrong! I did take this colleague out to dinner, or rather, she dragged me. Then we went to her place. I left at midnight, it was uncomfortable and embarrassing. I told her I was spoken for..." Blair's irresistible smile managed to melt Jim a little
"And your sperm?"
"My what?"
"Semen, jism, spunk!"
"I'm sorry, I promise I'll never wank again on my way home thinking of wild sex with you." Again a sheepish smile. Again those eyes...
"But you were mad at me! You didn't even wanted us to make love!..."
"I was too embarrassed and feeling guilty, OK? It was to do with me. I'm sorry I took it out on you."
"So you're not leaving dumbfuck after you don't need him?"
"Nope. And I'll always need good fuck to be there, as well..."
"Teaser!"
"Well do something about it!"
"Yes Chief!"
~~~~~~
"Did he bought it?"
"Yes. And it's killing me. I feel like throwing up at the sight of you. I feel like falling on my knees begging for his forgiveness whenever I have to lie."
"You have no choice. I'm pretty certain that incest is still off- bounds in our society - or should I say yours?"
"You're sick!"
"Maybe. But my soul is beautiful."
"Only from the outside. Please let's stop this. Please!..."
"Where I come from you're mine to do as I wish."
"Wake up, then! Look around you!"
"Ah... But still you submitted."
"Only because you threatened to tell Jim, that'd be killing two souls. This way you only get mine."
"And at such a cheap price, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"That's right. I always thought you looked much better with your head bowed. It used to be in respect. I'm very happy to know it's in servitude now."
"Please don't hurt Jim."
"You have no right to ask for anything."
"I'm well aware of that. I'm only praying. I can't fight you. Please?"
"I will consider it. Now go!"
~~~~~~
Blair just thought of her as being ill. Whatever she did when she was like this wouldn't spoil the Beauty her Soul had always possessed. But Blair was wrong.
~~~~~~
At exactly the same time Jim fell in pain. He was in Simon's office. Before he zoned out he knew who the woman was and what he had to do. The only catch was he'd lose Blair. So he would stand still, do nothing, and see his Guide become something altogether different? He didn't know didn't know didn't know. Panic. Blindness. Fall.
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