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by
Stalking is agents the law. I know this. I am a cop. But I can't take it any more. He has been gone for every night this week. I am trying to forget the moment of weakness, when I went into his room, and picked up his pillow, just to hold it, breath in his sent, I could feel the trace of warmth on it, I tried to pull that into me, to warm the chill that was in my soul. Whoever he is seeing. Damn. It eats me up. No perfume, or make up. And that damn aftershave. He knew far too much about me. In the testing that we did oh so long ago, he knew that this scent would block out other scents for me. I had even used it to help mask the overpowering background around me. Back when he at least cared about me as a Sentinel. Back when I was someone he could talk to. Back when....
Oh hell. That is no excuse for me to be doing this. He knew that I knew that I had been waiting for him to leave the loft. Will give the kid that, he is a good detective. I even let him see me leave the truck to head up to the loft.
But I had to know were he was going. Who he was with. Why he had abandoned me. It hurt so much. If I could see someone to hate, perhaps I could get over this.
I reached out. His Volvo had a distinctive knock, and sound, even smell. It was no problem keeping from being seen from 3 streets away. He was heading to the Bay. OK.
I watched him pull into the lot, and move to the darkest place. You could just see the bay from there. He did not leave the car. For a long moment I watch. Listened. He had on some radio station. One that I had made a Special rule about not being played when I was in the loft. I had a moment of guilt. It was not that bad. It had just been so ... well loud when I came in, watching him hip swing, and strut to the punk stuff. Even then, before we were ... lovers? ... the thought broke on my heart. The telling him that station was out was a way of controlling him. Denying what I was feeling for him. Sigh. OK. were was this person that he was meeting? I watch Blair settle back in the car. He looked so intent, so beautiful. He was talking to himself. I dialed up my hearing. Tried to sift past the pounding annoying beat of the music. His heartbeat was up. Breathing up. Small beads of sweat were popped on his forehead. He was in a sex act. He was alone? Oh My god. Words.
"Oh yes.. like that. Suck me. ....... Hard Harder. Hardest. Do me. Oh yes. Please. I love you ... Jiiiimmmmmm!!!."
His body twisted and shuddered, as he climaxed. I was frozen. Zoned, conflicting emotions, Desire need, pain, love, even a twisted sick hope that I beat back into its closet. Just that he fantasized about me did not mean that he wanted me.
The Kid had allways talked to himself. I smiled as His breathing slowed and he cleaned himself up. "well thank you for a very nice time." Blair chuckled to him self. But the chuckle turned into a sob. He was crying. I do not remember getting out of the truck. I do not remember the dash to his Volvo. All that I knew was that it is a good thing that his passenger door was unlocked. I would have broken it to get to him. Startled, shocked and scared. I am sure that this was the last thing that he was expecting. But in a moment I had an armful of teary Blair. The front seat of a Volvo is the perfect place to have a reunion. Any place would be at that moment.
No words. Not yet. we are too raw for words. It was enough that he let me put my arms around him. I had missed that touch. I had missed my partner.
Blair turned the radio down. Not off. Iliked that. If he had turned off, he would be giving in. Turning it down, Knowing how sensitive my hearing was, it was caring.
He Kissed me. Blair Kissed me. "It is going to be ok." some how I knew that this could be a lie, but for now, I will trust him.
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