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by
*I know why you're waiting; give me time to breathe Before you take my heart now, and just get up and leave For I won't stop you; I will open my door My heart is here waiting I don't need it no more
For love makes a fool of me For love makes a clown of me Yes it does, Yes it does, Yes it does- Yes it does You know it's worthless, as worthless can be*
*****
Something's wrong.
I know it from the moment he steps through the door. And I can't imagine what it could be. I left him only a couple of hours ago. He dropped me off at my place, and took the van to run some errands before he came back for dinner.
But the minute I see his face, I know something's happened. He's got that tight, shuttered, Agent Hobbes look that I hate.
"What is it?" I ask before he even says hi.
He stops right inside the door. "What is what?"
"What's wrong?"
He grins at that. Another look I hate, this is the Bobby Hobbes too-cool-for-problems grin. "Nothin'."
I frown, but I can't do anything but take his word for it. He won't open up to me unless he wants to.
"Say, Fawkes?" He comes in, makes himself at home on my couch, right next to me.
"Yeah?"
He throws a casual look my way, wagging his eyebrows with a grin.
I can't help but smile.
"How would you feel if I told you I had a date tomorrow night?"
I freeze.
A date. He isn't talking about a date with me, obviously. Otherwise why ask? So for a minute the words don't make sense.
And then, when they do, I suck in a breath. My smile's gone like it was never there. "You have a date."
He nods. Almost cheerful is my Bobby. "Tomorrow night. You'd like her. She's stacked, gorgeous...everything you need, right?"
I swallow. Why the hell is he being so casual about this? Why is he asking me...what does it mean? Is this it? Is he calling off our relationship, and this is just the tacky way he decides to do it?
"Bobby..."
He has to see my distress, as poorly as I'm hiding it. But he just keeps on grinning. "See, it's not like we ever said we were a serious, monogamous thing, right? So when this chick comes up to me at the club the other night, I figure why not? That's okay, isn't it?"
I can't handle it. I had no idea how serious I was about this until now, when I realize he's not serious.
He wants to sleep around. I'm not enough for him.
Jesus, just like Casey. I wasn't enough for her, but she didn't even have the decency to tell me she'd found someone else to sleep with.
It's rejection, and it hurts, and I don't want to look at his face and his smiles anymore. "Get out."
His grin fades fast. "What?"
I stand up and turn my back to him. Shit, this hurts. "Get out. I'm not a fuck buddy, Hobbes. You want to be with other people, go on. Not on my time."
"Hey. Fawkes."
"Dammit, I told you. If we're gonna be lov..." I trail off. If we're gonna be lovers, he has to at least call me Darien. That was my rule. First rule I set down when this thing started.
But maybe he doesn't want us to be lovers anymore. Maybe that's what this is all about.
"Sorry. Darien, I just--"
"Get. Out."
"Would you just--"
"Now! Get the hell out of here!" I whirl and glare at him, hoping my eyes stay dry until he leaves.
He blinks at me, then something hardens in his face and he turns to go.
And that's it. The door shuts, and I'm alone, and he didn't even argue with me.
****
It's a credit to both of us that the next day is so normal. We're Hobbes and Fawkes. Partners. Buddies. Same as always.
It stings a little. Bobby doesn't show any sign of being distraught. No lost sleep. No bags under his eyes to match mine.
It just can't be over like this. It can't be this easy. As much as I'm feeling, there had to be more to us than fuck buddies.
But hell, when did Bobby every pretend there was anything more? We started this for the very reason that it didn't have to become more.
But...that was then. That was weeks and weeks ago. That was before the romantic evenings and time spent talking and making out like nervous virgins and fucking like demented weasels and eating and laughing and everything else.
By the time we get to the van to go home, I'm ready to reach over and choke him. I probably would, too, if he weren't the one driving.
He's chattering away about some case, still playing Hobbes. Which is weird, 'cause usually once we're alone in the van the Hobbes in him transforms to Bobby in a flash.
I ignore him mostly, staring out the window at the familiar route I've got memorized by now.
Until Hobbes' voice changes into Bobby's. "So what're we doing tonight, Darien?"
Surprise, I'm sure, is obvious on my face when I turn to him. "What are we doing tonight?"
"Yeah. You know. Doing. Us. Tonight. What?"
I shake my head, anger coming back full-force. Maybe I'll choke him anyway and risk the accident. "You're unbelievable."
He grins, though I can tell he knows it's not a compliment. "So I've been told."
"Yeah? By who? That little bar bitch you're going out with tonight? Or maybe it was Viv. Maybe you tried to pull the same crap with her that you're pulling with me, huh? You think I'm gonna sit there and let you sleep around, and come back to me whenever you feel like it? Bull shit, Bobby. And if you asked Viv to do it, it's no damned wonder you're divorced."
He stares straight ahead, his grin gone. Even just staring at his profile I can see his eyes flashing. Yeah, I knew he'd get pissed if I brought up Viv.
Which is probably why I brought up Viv. Why should I be the only unhappy one here?
"I told you," he says slowly. His voice is really cold. "I never cheated on Viv."
"Just me, huh? Great. That makes me want to jump right back into your arms. Asshole."
The brakes slam. The van lurches to a halt, and I have to catch the dashboard with my hand to keep from flying into the windshield. "Bobby, what the--"
"You listen to me, you stupid bastard." He throws the van into park, and I can't tear my eyes away from him. I hope he pulled us to the side of the road, but knowing Bobby, we're blocking the street sitting here.
His eyes are cold, and he's pretty furious. "Neither of us ever said this thing was serious. And before you start thinking that means you don't mean anything to me, let me tell you something." He pauses, his eyes leaving me and going to the windshield to stare out at some point past me. "Yesterday. I came by, and you thought something was wrong. Well, it was. And it made me do a lot of thinking about...shit. I mean. Darien, look..."
I cross my arms and stare at him. I know I'm still glaring at him.
He sighs and rubs his face with one hand, like he's suddenly weary of everything. For a moment I almost want to do my old thing, lean in, maybe put a hand on his leg, ask him what's wrong.
Luckily I remember I hate him.
Bobby stays quiet for a minute, and then his eyes drift over to mine. He sees my glare, and something in him changes. He turns, shaking his head. "Fuck this. She doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about."
The van's in motion a moment later, jerking back into traffic without Bobby even glancing back to make sure the road is clear.
The ride is quiet after that. My Bobby is gone, but there's no chattering Hobbes taking his place.
I stop glaring at him a minute after we start going again. My eyes go back out the window, and I can't help but wonder what it was he came close to saying to me.
Something was wrong yesterday.
So what? Just because he had a bad day...it doesn't justify him cheating on me. No reason in the world could make up for that.
Of course, was it really cheating? My hurt feelings aside, we never have said anything about being a monogamous type couple.
Still. I just can't handle this. After finding out Casey was cheating on me, I can't take it from anyone else. I loved Casey. I'm really sure I did. And it stung, finding out what she'd done.
We reach my apartment quickly, and the van jerks to a halt.
My hand goes to the handle and I push the door open.
"Fawkes."
I glance back out of instinct.
Bobby's looking at me impassively. He's not back to being my Bobby, but he's not putting that Hobbes mask on either.
I don't know what to make of it.
"It was gonna be a night on the town." He stared at me, frowning. "I never said I was gonna fuck her."
I blink, and my brow furrows. I shut the door and stare in through the window, trying to figure out how to respond to that.
He doesn't give me a chance. He swings the van into gear and drives back into the street.
Leaving me to stand there on the sidewalk in front of my apartment, wondering what the hell was going on with us.
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