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Summary:
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by
When we last left our Intrepid Duo; Spike was enmeshed in the vampire version of overprotectiveness caused by Xander's human "frailty" and refused to let his lover up out of the bed, even to go to the bathroom. Let's all pause a moment while we picture a naked Xander being pampered by a sweetly nervous [read as: totally freaked out] Spike. Ahhhh! That's better! Now... on with the show... ~
The ringing of the phone grabbed Xander's attention from his anime marathon and as reflex he began to push himself up so he could answer it. A low warning growl from Spike stopped him with his butt hovering a full three inches up off of the couch cushion and a blur of black denim, red silk and platinum blonde hair rushing towards the kitchen caused him to sit back down.
The ringing stopped only to be replaced by the throaty half snarl of Spike's normal telephone greeting.
"Who the bloody hell is this?"
Xander rolled his eyes and tried to valiantly tune out the one sided conversation that he could hear. It was easier on his nerves that way. However, as much as it pained him to consider what nastiness his lover might be inflicting on some poor unsuspecting caller, at least *he* wasn't the focus of the blonde vampire's attention at the moment.
And for that, Xander would gladly sacrifice the delicate sensibilities of telemarketers and bill collectors everywhere.
Closing his eyes, Xander pondered his newest favorite, or least favorite subject. It depended on the mood of his lover and the various things the vampire was subjecting him too at the time. Spike was... different now. At least in how he acted to and around Xander. With everyone else he was pretty much his normal not-so-charming self.
But Anya's curse *had* changed him. She had told Xander and Spike that the vampire's only concern would be Xander's happiness, and in a way, it was. However, as a Master Vampire and soulless demon, Spike's idea of mortal happiness was... skewed.
For one, Spike was convinced that Xander could not *possibly* be happy if he was hurt, injured or in any sort of danger at all. This perception was mostly true, but Spike took it to insane extremes. Xander figured that it was all of those decades of torturing humans that put that belief into the blonde's head. After all, Xander didn't think that Spike had too many victims that said 'Oh *thank you* Mr. Pointy Teeth! Please rip my other arm off! It was *such* a lovely experience!', so... Now Xander was being... coddled.
What's more, Spike tended to see humans, all humans and not just Xander, as very easily breakable. Compared to vampires they were, Xander was the first to admit that, but once again Spike was taking it to extremes. The vampire had never really cared about a human being before, so he was a bit ignorant on what could actually go physically wrong with one, but his concern and devotion to Xander was slowly changing all that.
Now, Spike was doing research about all sorts of "human" things. And his "research" was doing little more than freaking him out and making Xander's life a pain. He was *seriously* considering banning the vampire from watching any more episodes of "ER" or "Chicago Hope" and that damned medical program on the "Discovery Channel" as well. And maybe the evening news. After all, Xander *seriously* doubted that he was *really* going to catch a case of the Hoof and Mouth disease that was spreading through the herds in England. Even *if* Spike was convinced he would.
Although, he had to admit that Spike's idea about wearing a kevlar vest while on patrol, *if* Spike ever let him patrol again, was actually a good one.
Suddenly, Xander realized that Spike was still in the kitchen and on the phone. He also realized that he couldn't hear the vampire snarling and being a general ass to whomever was on the other end. That was actually a bit frightening. After all, there was a *very* small list of people that Spike wouldn't growl at the top of his lungs at and Xander wasn't sure he wanted *any* of them to come over.
Xander was almost tempted to go find out what was going on, but then he remembered the last conversation he'd listened in on and blushed all over again. He'd come out of the bathroom to find Spike talking to his boss from work over the phone. Spike had proceeded to tell Barney that Xander wouldn't be in for a day or so because he'd gotten caught cheating on his "demon lady" and that the confrontation had been "uglier than a pitbull with rabies" and did Barney know how to get "bloody scorch marks" out of the carpeting.
Xander had a feeling that he was going to end up as a legend at work since the guys there were sluts for "top this" type of stories. It didn't help to know that if he actually told them the truth that he'd beat them all out for sheer weirdness.
Xander was pulled out of his woolgathering when Spike sauntered back into the living room and flopped down on the couch next to him. There was a brief tussle for the remote before Spike managed to claim it and then Xander's anime marathon was switched over to the movie channel. It was showing The Terminator which Xander knew was one of the films that his lover enjoyed. It had a high body count.
Looking over, Xander eyed up his relaxed and lounging "better half" and sighed. He would be the first to admit that Spike was easy on the eyes, hell, the guy was the epitome of male beauty, but he was *still* one of the most frustrating and annoying creatures that ever walked the earth. Even when he wasn't trying to be.
"So... you gonna tell me who was calling on the phone or do I get to guess?"
Spike turned to look at him, the expression of fierce bloodthirsty enjoyment over the movie instantly morphing into helpless adoration and love.
"Oh, right. Red called. Said to tell you that she'll be over in a bit, just has to collect a few things from the store. Babbled something about a test or some such rot. Hard to tell really. She really needs to learn how to speak at a normal rate of speed. S'not natural what she does to the language and I'm bloody surprised she doesn't asphyxiate herself half the time."
Xander blinked. Then, using his years of experience at translating Willow-babble and his months of experience at translating Spike-sarcasm, he latched onto the most important part of what he was hearing.
"Test?"
Spike nodded and grinned at him.
"Yeah. Test. To see if Anya's curse worked and you really are pregnant."
With an unconcerned smile, Spike turned back to his movie and wrapped an arm around Xander and pulled him in close to his side. Wordlessly, Xander allowed the snuggling, it helped to distract him from the sudden urge to panic.
"Oh. And Red also said for you not to go pee before she gets here. She wants to collect your urine or something like that. Sounds a bit kinky if you ask me. I didn't know she was into that kind of thing, but still, could be fun... as long as she realizes that your *mine* and that she's not allowed to actually *touch* and all..."
Suddenly, the snuggling wasn't enough of a distraction. Xander was officially feeling panicky.
~~~
It wasn't even a half an hour later when Willow arrived laden down with several plastic bags from the pharmacy. When Spike opened the door for her, she breezed in on an almost visible wave of cheerful perkiness. Her excited and happy smile helped to calm his nerves a bit, but he was still a little shook up over what was about to happen.
"Xander!"
He was suddenly engulfed in a warm vanilla scented hug. Relief that his best friend was still his best friend in spite of the current craziness washed over him and he hugged back tightly. After a long minute, a low rumbling growl echoed through the room and Xander felt Spike's cool hands gently unwrapping their arms from around each other.
"Enough of the sticky-gooey hellos now. S'my Xander you're squishing."
Xander rolled his eyes at the possessive display, but he let go of Willow and stepped back until he was leaning against Spike's chest. Flashing a wrinkly nosed grin at Willow, he clapped his hands together and bounced on the balls of his feet once. Twice.
"So... What's up? With the gang, I mean. The Buffster still stake happy and chanting for Spike's blood?"
Willow's grin dimmed a little and her eyes grew serious and a touch harsh. Her green eyes sparkled with just a hint of her own inner power.
"No. Actually, she's over her shock. That's what most of that... whole... angry pacing threatening... thing was. Now she's focused on the cause of this whole... mess. Anya, I mean. Buffy's pretty much wanting to disassemble her for hurting you."
"Oh."
Xander felt a frown forming on his face even as a wash of sadness rolled through him. It still hurt to even think about Anya let alone talk about her. Then another thought hit him.
"But... wasn't she, you know, jealous? Of Spike and me, I mean. After all, Spike *did* sort of have a, um... thing for her."
Spike snorted in disgust against his neck and Willow flashed a sheepish little grin and shrugged.
"Um. Not really. She never really liked Spike to begin with and I think that his chasing her was more of an... ego boost for her. I mean, Riley left and her Mom...."
Xander and Willow exchanged a pain filled glance and then Willow rushed on past the still lingering grief as quickly as she could.
"...and everything was just pressing down on her and I think that it just... helped her to feel, I don't know... desired. You know?"
Xander nodded. He *did* know.
The moment stretched awkwardly for a moment and then Willow snapped out of it with a little cry of excitement and a perky bounce. Turning around, she reached out and grabbed at one of the white plastic bags. Moving over to Xander's coffee table, she up ended the bad, dumping the contents across it.
Xander watched with an odd mixture of mild fear and utter fascination as Willow's personal diary/spellbook tumbled out alongside of various ziplock baggies filled with herbs and spices, a clear plastic cup with lid and a previously opened and then resealed over-the-counter pregnancy test kit. A shiver raced down his spine at the sight of the white and yellow paper box sitting in with a bunch of Willow's magicy stuff. Spike wrapped his inhumanly strong arms around Xander's waist and he clutched at them, using them as an emotional support more than a physical one.
"Um... Wills? What's all that... uh, stuff?"
Willow's blinding smile turned slightly sympathetic at the tremor in his voice and she visibly tried to contain her excitement. Xander appreciated the effort, but he knew that she was enjoying this. He just couldn't understand *why*.
"Oh, well. I enchanted the pregnancy test kit. See, Tara and I were talking with Giles and he said..."
Xander's fingers dug a little deeper into Spike's arms as he watched Willow try to find a way to actually say what she needed to without upsetting him further. It didn't help. He knew Willow too well.
"What did the G-man say Wills? I need to know."
Willow nodded once and then rushed on.
"Well... he still seems to think that the child, if there's a child, might not be fully human. Which makes sense in a way. See, Anya could have made it all human, like you. *Or* Giles thinks she might have made it a Vengeance Demon... like *her*. Sort of a child for her to, ya know... have you raise. The third option, which *I* think is most likely, is that her curse somehow combined both you and Spike to make the child. If *that's* the case, Giles said it would be a w'amphrii. So... that's why I had to enchant the pregnancy test. It'll now work, even if the baby isn't human. See?"
Xander nodded his head even though he *didn't* see. This whole situation felt unreal to him, almost like a dream or a hallucination. After all, *Spike* was the Big Bad! He *didn't* go around quoting accident rates and medical statistics as a means of persuading people to take better care of themselves. And men could *not* be pregnant. It was physically impossible. Couldn't happen. *Shouldn't* happen. Even on the Hellmouth.
But here he was, leaning against the undead chest of his own personal doom-sayer who had spent the last 24 hours trying to turn him into a hypochondriac. And here he was, watching as his best friend set up a store-bought and magically enhanced home pregnancy test. For him.
With a slight shudder of revulsion, he watched his own hand reach out to take the sterile plastic cup with lid from Willow's hand when she gave it too him. Stifling both the urge to giggle insanely and cry hysterically, he turned to walk towards the bathroom with Willow's instructions to wash his hands and then "fill it on up" before coming back out. He could vaguely hear Spike quizzing Willow on whether or not this would harm him as he shut the bathroom door.
Unzipping his jeans, Xander tried very hard not to actually think about *why* he was doing what he was doing. It was difficult enough to pee on command, he didn't need the extra pressure of an imminent mental breakdown on top of it.
So, with as much aloofness and clinical detachment as he could muster, Xander gently pulled his penis out of his pants and concentrated on his aim. He honestly didn't think he could handle it if he missed the cup and had to try again later.
Five minutes later, the cup was full, his jeans were adjusted and he had run out of ways to stall and delay the inevitable. With a forlorn little sigh, he picked up his cup of still warm yellowy yuckness and left the bathroom. Only to find both Spike and Willow staring intently at him, one with anticipation and excitement in her green eyes and one with worry and adoration in his blue ones.
"'Bout time pet. Thought you might have figured out a way to flush yourself down the lou."
And somehow that little bit of absurdity made him feel better. It was nice to know that even in the midst of the ultimate strangeness, that some things never changed. Willow was still the wonderful and supportive best friend she'd always been and Spike still had a knack for saying the most outrageous things. He grinned.
"Naw... Considered trying for a moment, but I figured that Wills would just magic me back and that would be one plumbing disaster I'd want to miss."
Trying for casual, but knowing he missed the mark by a mile, Xander walked over and carefully placed the full cup on the coffee table. Then, his courage failing him, he headed straight for his lover and curled up on the blonde's lap. Strong arms wrapped around him and pulled him closer.
Together they watched as Willow took out what looked to be a small eyedropper and used it to collect a few millimeters of his urine. Then, she held it up over a small plastic wand and carefully dripped exactly three drops into the little built in well. Placing the empty dropper onto the cup's lid, she leaned back and began to chant softly while drawing an invisible symbol in the air over the plastic wand. There was a sudden soft flash of pale green light and a brief gust of warm air that swirled through the room. Then Willow leaned forward to look at the wand. And squealed happily.
"It's a little blue plus sign!"
Xander blinked in confusion and turned to look at Spike. His lover looked just as stymied as he felt. They shrugged at each other in unison and then turned to look at the madly grinning witch.
"Um... what exactly does a little blue plus sign *mean* Wills?"
She looked up at them with a Megawatt smile.
"It means that I'm going to be an Aunt! Congratulations Xander! You're going to be a mommy!"
For the second time in as many days, Xander fainted in his lover's arms.
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